Father, Fatherhood

Olympic Games

One of the most powerful stories in the history of the Olympic Games involved a canoeing specialist named Bill Havens. He was a shoe-in, I’m told, to win a gold medal in the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris. But a few months before the Games were held, he learned that his wife would likely give birth to their first child while he was away. She told him that she could make it on her own, but this was a milestone Bill just didn’t want to miss. So he surprised everyone and stayed home. Bill greeted his infant son, Frank, into the world on August 1, 1924. Though he always wondered what might have been, he said he never regretted his decision.

Well, he poured his life into that little lad and shared with him a love for the rapids. Twenty-four years passed, and the Olympic Games were held in Helsinki, Finland. This time Frank Havens was chosen to compete in the canoeing event. The day after the competition, Bill received a telegram from his son that read:

“Dear Dad, Thanks for waiting around for me to be born in 1924. I’m coming home with the gold medal that you should have won.” It was signed, “Your loving son, Frank.”

Many would question Bill Haven’s decision to miss his big opportunity in Paris, but he never wavered. He wanted his family to know that they always came first, no matter what. And that made him a hero to a little boy named Frank.

Dr. James Dobson, Coming Home, Timeless Wisdom for Families, (Tyndale House Publishers, Wheaton; 1998), pp. 140-141

Participation in Child-Raising

A survey conducted by Child magazine and reported in the 3/93 issue found more fathers today taking part in child-raising than those of a generation ago.

• Putting children to bed (62 percent now; 16 percent then)
• Changing diapers (53 to 6 percent)
• Attending kids’ sporting events (52 to 37 percent)
• Reading to children (49 to 14 percent)
• Bathing children (46 to 24 percent)
• Feeding children (40 to 12 percent)
• Helping with homework (30 to 21 percent)
• Attending parent/teacher conferences (45 to 24 percent)
• Cleaning house (25 to 8 percent)
• Washing dishes (44 to 16 percent)

Some things haven’t changed. Nearly two out of three of today’s fathers (65 percent) discipline their children—about the same as their fathers (61 percent).

On the downside, 49 percent of the women say their husbands give more attention to the children than to them, but 72 percent of the men disagree and say they do not give the children more attention than their wives.

Leadership, Fall, 1993, p. 129

Brian’s Story

I was just twelve when my Boy Scout troop planned a father-son campout. I was thrilled and could hardly wait to rush home and give my father all the information. I wanted so much to show him all I’d learned in scouting, and I was so proud when he said he’d go with me.

The Friday of the campout finally came, and I had all my gear out on the porch, ready to stuff it in his car the moment he arrived. We were to meet at the local school at 5 p.m. car pool to the campground.

But Dad didn’t get home from work until 7 p.m. as frantic, but he explained how things had gone wrong at work and told me not to worry. We could still get up first thing in the morning and join the others. After all, we had a map. I was disappointed, of course, but decided to just make the best of it.

First thing in the morning, I was up and had everything in his car while it was still getting light, all ready for us to catch up with my friends and their fathers at the campground. He had said we’d leave around 7 a.m., and I was ready a half hour before that. But he never came out of his room until 9 a.m.

When he saw me standing out front with the camping gear, he finally explained that he had a bad back and couldn’t sleep on the ground. He hoped I’d understand and that I’d be a “big boy” about it … but could I please get my things out of his car, because he had several commitments he had to keep.

Just about the hardest thing I’ve ever done was to go to the car and take out my sleeping bag, cooking stove, pup tent, and supplies. And then, while I was putting my stuff away in the storage shed and he thought I couldn’t see, I watched my father carry his golf clubs out and throw them in his trunk and drive away to keep his “commitment.”

That’s when I realized my dad never meant to go with me to the campout. I didn’t matter to him, but his golfing buddies did.

Men’s Ministry Leadership Seminar, p. 18

Fatherless Families

In 1960, the total number of children living in fatherless families was fewer than eight million. Today, that total has risen to nearly twenty-four million. Nearly four out of ten children in America are being raised in homes without their fathers and soon it may be six out of ten. How did this happen? Why are so many of our nation’s children growing up without a full-time father? It is because our culture has accepted the idea that fathers are superfluous—in other words, they are not necessary in the “modern” family. Supposedly, their contributions to the well-being of children can easily be performed by the state, which disburses welfare checks, subsidizes midnight basketball leagues, and establishes child-care facilities.

Ideas, of course, have consequences. And the consequences of this idea have been as profound as they have been disastrous. Almost 75 percent of American children living in fatherless households will experience poverty before the age of eleven, compared to only 20 percent of those raised by two parents. Children living in homes where fathers are absent are far more likely to be expelled from or drop out of school, develop emotional or behavioral problems, commit suicide, and fall victim to child abuse or neglect. The males are also far more likely to become violent criminals. As matter of act, men who grew up without dads currently represent 70 percent of the prison population serving long-term sentences.

Wade F. Horn, “Why There is No Substitute for Parents”, Imprimis, Vol. 26, No. 6, June, 1997, pp. 1-2

Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers

Effective Fathers are:

• Committed to their children.
• Know their children.
• Are consistent in their attitudes and behavior.
• Protect and Provide for their children.
• Love their children’s mother.
• Are active listeners to their children.
• Spiritually equip their children.

The Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers by Ken Canfield, Tyndale House, quoted in Lifeline, Summer 1997

Resources

• John R. W. Stott, The Preacher’s Portrait, Some New Testament Word Studies, (Grand Rapids: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publ. Co., 1961), pp. 80ff

.

What Is a Father?

• A father is a thing that is forced to endure childbirth without anesthetic. A father is a thing that growls when he feels good...and laughs very loud when he is scared half to death.
• A father never feels entirely worthy of the worship in a child’s eyes. He is never quite the hero his daughter thinks he is...never quite the man his son believes him to be...and this worries him, sometimes. So he works too hard to try to smooth the rough places in the road for those of his own who follow him.
• A father is a thing that gets upset when the first grades in school are not as good as he thinks they should be. He scolds his son...though he knows it is the teacher’s fault.
• Fathers grow old faster than people. Because they, in wartime, have to stand at the airports and wave good-bye to the uniformed son that flies away to face the unknown. And while mothers can cry where it shows, fathers have to be brave and beam outside...while quietly dying inside.
• Fathers have very stout hearts; so they have to be broken sometimes or no one would know what’s inside. Fathers are what give daughters away to other men who are not nearly good enough...so they can have grandchildren that are smarter than anybody’s.
• Fathers fight dragons...almost daily. They hurry away from the breakfast table...off to the arena which is sometimes called an office or a workshop. There, with callused, practiced hands, they tackle the dragon with three heads: weariness, work, and monotony. They never quite win the fight, but they never give up. Knights in shining armor—fathers in shiny trousers: there is little difference, as they march away to each new workday.
• And when a father who knows the Lord dies, I have an idea that after a good rest he will not be happy unless there is work to do. He will not just sit on a cloud and wait for the girl he has loved and the children she bore. He will be busy there, too—repairing the stairs...oiling the gates, improving the streets...smoothing the way.

Source unknown

Most Frightened Man in America

Thomas J. Watson, Sr., died six weeks after naming his son as the new head of IBM, the company the elder Watson had led for more than forty years. The junior Watson said his promotion made him “the most frightened man in America.” But he took the helm and led IBM into the computer era and ten-fold corporate growth. His success was made possible, he said later, by his dad’s confidence in and acceptance of him during his college years, when he was more interested in flying airplanes than in studying or applying himself.

Today in the Word, February 7, 1997, p. 14

Dad is Destiny

A cover article in the February 27 issue of U. S. News & World Report concluded that: Dad is destiny. More than any other factor, a father’s presence in the family will determine a child’s success and happiness.” The article noted that nearly two out of every five children in America do not live with their fathers.

New Man, May/June 1995, p. 10

Quotes

• “More than virtually any other factor, a biological father’s presence in the family will determine a child’s success and happiness.”—U. S. News and World Report
• “Committed fatherhood would do more to restore a normal childhood to every child, and dramatically reduce our nation’s most costly social problems, than all of the pending legislation in America combined.”—National Fatherhood Initiative
• “The plague of fatherlessness is a painful inheritance of poverty and illness that is passed down from one generation to the next.”—University of Texas Sociologists
• “The most urgent domestic challenge facing the United States at the close of the 20th century is the re-creation of fatherhood as a social role for men.”—David Blankenhorn, Institute for American Values.
• “Some 46% of families with children headed by single mothers live below the poverty line, compared to 8% of those with two parents...Studies show that only 43% of state prisons inmates grew up with both parents and that a missing father is a better predictor of criminal activity than race or poverty...Social scientists have made similar links between a father’s absence and his child’s likelihood of being a dropout, jobless, a drug addict, a suicide victim, mentally ill, and a target of child abuse.”—U. S. News & World Report
• “A good father does these basic things: provides for his family, protects his family, and gives spiritual and moral guidance.”—David Blankenhorn

Community Impact Bulletin, July 7, 1995

Talking to Dad

Research shows that mothers are far more likely than fathers to discuss problems and have close personal talks with their teenage children. As a result, teenage boys and girls both say they feel freer to go to their mothers than their fathers to talk openly and discuss problems. In fact, when teenagers responded to the statement: “This person and I always talk openly to each other,” out of four choices (father, mother, close male friend, or close female friend), only 4% of sons and 1% of daughters chose “father.” Teens tell me that they want desperately to be able to talk with their dads, but they’ll stop trying if they think they aren’t being heard.

Walt Mueller, “Fathering With Open Eyes”, Today’s Father, Vol. 3, #2-3, p. 7

Mike Ditka

After interviewing her friends the Ditkas, Jeannie Morris said this (as reported in Ditka: Monster of the Midway):

The Ditka marriage [to Marge], like many others of that time, was dysfunctional from the start. I don’t think it was ever any good. Mike and Marge, I mean, you can put it in a nutshell. Mike and Marge never got along...You know, I think the deal was that when they got married, they got married with the idea of being married forever. I mean, there was nobody else he wanted to marry and he thought he was supposed to get married. Both are very strong willed and they’re very much alike, and Marge tried to go by the rules for a long, long time...The rules being he’s the boss and we do everything his way, and if he doesn’t feel like being here for whatever period of time he doesn’t have to be.

Megan Ditka, his daughter, is twenty-nine now and reported to the author of Ditka: Monster of the Midway:

I have very few recollections of my father. My mom basically raised us by herself. I love my mom a lot. She’s a real brave woman. I couldn’t ask for anybody better. My dad was never really around a lot. And even when he was, he wasn’t. We were always pretty much afraid of my dad. My dad is just like his dad. You didn’t have conversations with him. He’s a little intimidating when you’re a kid...I don’t think he knows how to love.”

I don’t know the private Mike Ditka. But it’s clear that his drive to succeed, his focus, and his strong emotions impacted his family and cost him dearly.

Guard Your Heart, p. 164.

At the Library

I was sitting in my favorite chair, studying for the final stages of my doctoral degree, when Sarah announced herself in my presence with a question: “Daddy, do you want to see my family picture?”

“Sarah, Daddy’s busy. Come back in a little while, Honey.”

Good move, right? I was busy. A week’s worth of work to squeeze into a weekend. You’ve been there.

Ten minutes later she swept back into the living room, “Daddy, let me show you my picture.”

The heat went up around my collar. “Sarah, I said come back later. This is important.”

Three minutes later she stormed into the living room, got three inches from my nose, and barked with all the power a five-year-old could muster: “Do you want to see it or don’t you?” The assertive Christian woman in training.

“NO,” I told her, I DON’T.”

With that she zoomed out of the room and left me alone. And somehow, being alone at that moment wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. I felt like a jerk. (Don’t agree so loudly.) I went to the front door.

“Sarah,” I called, “could you come back inside a minute, please? Daddy would like to see your picture.”

She obliged with no recriminations, and popped up on my lap.

It was a great picture. She’d even given it a title. Across the top, in her best printing, she had inscribed: “OUR FAMILY BEST.”

“Tell me about it,” I said.

“Here is Mommy [a stick figure with long yellow curly hair], here is me standing by Mommy [with a smiley face], here is our dog Katie, and here is Missy [her little sister was a stick figure lying in the street in front of the house, about three times bigger than anyone else]. It was a pretty good insight into how she saw our family.

“I love your picture, Honey,” I told her. “I’ll hang it on the dining room wall, and each night when I come home from work and from class [which was usually around 10 P.M.], I’m going to look at it.”

She took me at my word, beamed ear to ear, and went outside to play. I went back to my books. But for some reason I kept reading the same paragraph over and over.

Something was making me uneasy.

Something about Sarah’s picture.

Something was missing.

I went to the front door. “Sarah,” I called, “could you come back inside a minute, please? I want to look at your picture again, Honey.”

Sarah crawled back into my lap. I can close my eyes right now and see the way she looked. Cheeks rosy from playing outside. Pigtails. Strawberry Shortcake tennis shoes. A Cabbage Patch doll named Nellie tucked limply under her arm.

I asked my little girl a question, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer.

“Honey...there’s Mommy, and Sarah, and Missy. Katie the dog is in the picture, and the sun, and the house, and squirrels, and birdies. But Sarah...where is your Daddy?”

“You’re at the library,” she said.

Guard Your Heart, pp. 21-22.

Balance

A few generations ago, a man captured the essence of this truth in some powerful words about the balance between home and career. When I read this good counsel written by Edgar Guest in My Job as a Father back in 1923, I can almost see the ghost of Solomon in the background, sadly nodding his head.

Read it and take heed. Guest wrote:

I have known of a number of wealthy men who were not successes as fathers. They made money rapidly; their factories were marvels of organization; their money investments were sound and made with excellent judgment, and their contributions to public service were useful and willingly made. All this took time and thought. At the finish there was a fortune on the one hand, and a worthless and dissolute son on the other. WHY? Too much time spent in making money implies too little time spent with the boy.

When these children were youngsters romping on the floor, if someone had come to any one of those fathers and offered him a million dollars for his lad he would have spurned the offer and kicked him out the door. Had someone offered him ten million dollars in cash for the privilege of making a drunkard out of his son, the answer would have been the same. Had someone offered to buy from him for a fortune the privilege of playing with the boy, of going on picnics and fishing trips and outings, and being with him a part of every day, he would have refused the proposition without giving it a second thought.

Yet that is exactly the bargain those men made, and which many men are still making. They are coining their lives into fortunes and automobile factories and great industries, but their boys are growing up as they may. These men probably will succeed in business; but they will be failures as fathers. To me it seems that a little less industry and a little more comradeship with the boy is more desirable.

Not so much of me in the bank, and more of me and of my best in the lad, is what I should like to have to show at the end of my career.

To be the father of a great son is what I should call success. ...This is what I conceive my job to be.

Source unknown

I Must Be Fit

I’ll tell you honestly, there’s nothing I want more than to succeed at home. It’s a desire I hear reverberating in the following poem, also written by Edgar Guest.

I must be fit for a child to follow,
scorning the places where loose men wallow;
knowing how much he shall learn from me,
I must be fair as I’d have him be.

I must come home to him day by day,
clean as the morning I went away.
I must be fit for a child’s glad greeting;
his are eyes that there is no cheating.

He must behold me in every test,
not at my worst but my very best;
he must be proud when my life is done
to have men know that he is my son.

Guard Your Heart, p. 84.

Unbroken Silence

Too many fathers never learn to communicate with their children, and the silence that begins in childhood remains unbroken. Playwright Moss Hart capsulized this kind of heartbreaking estrangement in his autobiography when he described a walk with his father on Christmas Eve the year he was ten. The Harts were quite poor, but Moss’s father took him down to 149th Street and Westchester in New York City that night, past countless toy vendors’ pushcarts. Moss strolled with his father past the carts, eyeing chemistry sets and printing presses with obvious longing.

“I looked up and saw we were nearing the end of the line. Only two or three more pushcarts remained. My father looked up, too, and I heard him jingle some coins in his pocket. In a flash I knew it all. He’d gotten together about seventy-five cents to buy me a Christmas present, and he hadn’t dared say so in case there was nothing to be had for so small a sum.

“As I looked up at him I saw a look of despair and disappointment in his eyes that brought me closer to him than I had ever been in my life. I wanted to throw my arms around him and say ‘It doesn’t matter ... I understand ... This is better than a chemistry set or a printing press ... I love you.’ But instead we stood shivering beside each other for a moment—then turned silently back home. I don’t know why the words remained choked up within me. I didn’t even take his hand on the way home, nor did he take mine. We were not on that basis.”

From Bad Beginnings to Happy Endings, by Ed Young, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publ., 1994), p. 32.

Build Me a Son

Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.

Build me a son whose wishbone will not be where his backbone should be; a son who will know Thee and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge. Lead him, I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail.

Build me a son whose heart will be clean, whose goal will be high; a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.

And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, the meekness of true strength.

Then I, his father, will dare to whisper, “I have not lived in vain.”

General Douglas MacArthur

Source unknown

Too Many Tomorrows

I once asked my daughter Jennifer what she thought were the biggest problems fathers have with kids. She said, “Dads have too many “tomorrows.” You know, “I’ll play with you tomorrow, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She was right. Dad, be there now for your children, building quality and quantity benchmarks of trust. Don’t wait until tomorrow—or you’ll end up wasting too many todays.

Gary Ezzo, Men of Action, Summer, 1996, p. 11

Father’s Day

According to the “Almanac for Farmers & City Folk,” The largest number of collect calls are made on Father’s Day.

Spokesman Review, L. M. Boyd, December 29, 1995, p. D2

Quotes

• Most men spend their lives avoiding God because it is a re-encounter with their own father which was nonbonding and non affirming. - Anonymous
• My dad couldn’t communicate. I couldn’t bear the silence when I was an adult, just as I couldn’t bear the silence when I was a child. - Lynn Redgrave
• My only regret in my life is that it was always so difficult to let my father know the great depth of my affection for him. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Source unknown

Honor Thy Children

The U.S. News and World Report article (“Honor Thy children,” 2/27/95) states: “Rich or poor, white or black, the children of divorce and those born outside of marriage struggle through life at a measurable disadvantage, according to a growing chorus of social thinkers. And their voices are more urgent because an astonishing 38% of all children now live without their biological fathers—up from 17.5% in 1960. More than half of today’s children will spend at least part of their childhood without a father... Some 46% of families with children headed by single mothers live below the poverty line, compared to 8% of those with two parents. Raising marriage rates will do far more to fight crime than building prisons or putting more cops on the streets. Studies show that only 43% of state prison inmates grew up with both parents and that a missing father is a better predictor of criminal activity than race or poverty. Growing up with both parents turns out to be a better antidote to teen pregnancy than handing out condoms...Social scientists have made similar links between a father’s absence and his child’s likelihood of being a dropout, jobless, a drug addict, a suicide victim, mentally ill, and a target of child sexual abuse.”

The U.S. News and World Report article (“Honor Thy children,” 2/27/95.

Fatherless America

The USA Weekend article (“Fatherless America, 2/24 - 26/95) states:

“Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation. It is the leading cause of the decline in the well being of children. It is also the engine driving our most urgent social problems from crime to adolescent pregnancy to domestic violence.”

Quoted in Christian News, June 1-30, 1995, p. 6

Wonderful People

Fathers are wonderful people
too little understood,
And we do not sing their praises
as often as we should.

For somehow, Father seems to be
the man who pays the bills,
While Mother binds up little hurts
and nurses all our ills.

And Father struggles daily
to live up to “his image”
As protector and provider
and “hero of the scrimmage.”

And perhaps that is the reason
we sometimes get the notion
That Fathers are not subject
to the thing we call emotion

But if you look inside Dad’s heart,
where no one else can see,
You’ll find he’s sentimental
and as “soft” as he can be.

But he’s so busy every day
in the grueling race of life,
He leaves the sentimental stuff
to his partner and his wife.

But Fathers are just wonderful
in a million different ways,
And they merit loving compliments
and accolades of praise.

For the only reason Dad aspires
to fortune and success
Is to make the family proud of him
and to bring them happiness.

And like our Heavenly Father,
he’s guardian and guide,
Someone that we can count on
to be always on our side.

Source unknown

Family Worship

1. If both your parents worshipped with you regularly while you were growing up, there’s an 80 percent likelihood that you’ll worship God regularly as an adult.

2. If only your mother worshipped regularly with you, there’s only a 30 percent probability that you’ll worship regularly as an adult.

3. If only your father worshipped regularly with you, the likelihood that you’ll worship regularly as an adult increases to 70 percent!

Fathers have an enormous impact on their children’s faith and values. One of your most important ministries is worshipping with your kids!

On the Father Front, Christian Service Brigade, Spring, 1995, p. 4

Bragging about Dad

Three kids bragging about fathers:

• First: My dad’s so smart he can talk for one hour on any subject.
• Second: My dad’s so smart he can talk for two hours on any subject.
• Third: My dad’s so smart he can talk for 3 hours and doesn’t even need a subject.

Source unknown

National Summit on Fatherhood

On October 27-28, the first National Summit on Fatherhood took place in Dallas. The summit was sponsored by the National Fatherhood Initiative, a new organization which emphasizes the irreplaceable role of fathers. The invitation-only event drew 300 civic, religious and cultural leaders from around the country. Following the opening address from Vice President Al Gore, 25 speakers and panel members, including Jeff Kemp, addressed the crowd on the subject of fathering and its effect on the family and society. Following are some of the interesting social trends and statistics that were discussed:

• Father-absence is statistically correlated to every negative social trend.
• In 1960, 17 percent of American children did not dwell with their fathers. Today that number is approaching 40 percent.
• The emotion that is most often produced in male children, if they are raised without masculine influence, is anger.
• The average age of youth appearing in court is decreasing from 15 to 13.
• Teenage girls are beginning to appear more often as the perpetrators of violence.
• Self acceptance and self esteem are the most essential characteristics transferred through fathering.
• 60 percent of America’s rapists, 72 percent of teenagers charged with murder, and 70 percent of long-term prison inmates grew up without fathers.

William Galston, a White House policy advisor who addressed the group, cited his own research showing that when the effect of family structure is taken into account, the apparent difference in crime rates for blacks and whites vanishes.

(Don Wallis and The Philadelphia Inquirer), Community Impact Bulletin, December 6, 1994

Just Like Daddy

A teardrop crept into my eye as I knelt on bended knee;
Next to a gold haired tiny lad whose age was just past three.
He prayed with such simplicity “Please make me big and strong,
Just like Daddy, don’t you see? Watch o’er me all night long.”

“Jesus, make me tall and brave, like my Daddy next to me.”
This simple prayer he prayed tonight filled my heart with humility.
As I heard his voice so wee and small offer his prayer to God,
I thought these little footsteps someday my path may trod!

Oh, Lord, as I turn my eyes above and guidance ask from Thee;
Keep my walk ever so straight for the little feet that follow me.
Buoy me when I stumble, and lift me when I fail,
Guard this tiny bit of boy as he travels down life’s trail.

Make me what he thinks I am is my humble gracious plea
Help me ever be the man this small lad sees in me!

Source unknown

How Does a Father Do It?

Finding the right balance between the work place and home front can be a guilt trip, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Look over the list of possible improvements you can make in the way you balance career and family. But instead of viewing this as one more long list of things to do, imagine yourself already doing something on the list. The mind doesn’t distinguish between imagined and real success when it draws upon positive experiences, even imaginary ones, to reinforce good habits-in-the-making. Try imagining yourself combining work and family life in the ways listed below.

• Keep it simple. It is doesn’t add to the happiness of your family, then change it.
• Set aside time after dinner to help your kids with their homework.
• Remember what you were like as a kid, and cut some slack for your kids. Keep important things in focus: family unity, values, fun and education.
• Listen at all times: to mealtime stories, to the chatter over dishwashing, to bedtime prayers.
• Create family rituals: Saturday morning pancakes, Sunday night pizza, Monday night health club, Thursday night piano recital.
• Include children in your planning and decision-making regarding things like weekly chore assignments, summer vacation plans and special monthly events.
• Hold family councils once a month to discuss pet peeves, rules, rewards and punishments.
• Be both loving and firm in setting, negotiating and enforcing rules.
• Let the answering machine take calls during the dinner hour and at bedtime. Or, take the phone off the hook.
• Loves isn’t something you buy. Your kids spell it T-I-M-E and it costs more than M-O-N-E-Y.
• It’s better to play 15 or 20 minutes spontaneously and have fun, then go do chores, work or other priorities, than to spend all day at the zoo (or ballgame or the mall) feeling angry, guilty, or worried.
• Find one common mission or cause that your family loves to do together, instead of splintering your volunteer activities in several different directions.

This partial list was gleaned from “How Does a Mother Do It?” That’s the title of a brochure published by Mars Candy that compiles tips for Working Mother of the Year. We’ve adapted it. More importantly, what do you believe—and do—about this delicate balancing act?

On the Father Front, Spring, 1994, p. 2

Becoming Fathers

“Becoming husbands and fathers is the universal prescription of human societies for the socialization of the male. It is how societies link male aggression, energy, purpose—maleness—to a pro-social purpose. The most important predictor of criminal behavior is not race, not income, not religious affiliation. It’s a father absence. It’s boys who grow up without their fathers.”

David Blankenhorn, founder of the Institute for American Values.

Reconnecting Fathers

“Is it possible to reconnect fathers to their children? To reverse societal trends that produced the separation in the first place? To fashion government policies and reshape attitudes regarding fathers themselves? Probably. But not until we reconvince ourselves of what used to be common sense: Children need their fathers.” - William Rasberry, syndicated columnist for the Washington Post.

“Men have to be persuaded that bringing up children is a very important part of their life. Motherhood has been praised to the skies, but the greatest praise men can give to that role is for them to share in doing it.” - Ruth Bader Ginsburg, U.S. Supreme Court Justice.

“Our very survival as a nation will depend on the presence or absence of masculine leadership in the home.” - Dr. James Dobson, Focus on the Family.

On the Father Front, Spring, 1994, p. 2.

Where are the Fathers?

William Bennett put is succinctly in a 1986 speech on the family in Chicago when he asked, “Where are the fathers? ... Generally, the mothers are there struggling. For nine out of ten children in single parent homes, the father is the one who isn’t there. One-fifth of all American children live in homes without fathers ... Where are the fathers? Where are the men? Wherever they are, this much is clear: too many are not with their children.

Children at Risk, J. Dobson and G. Bauer, Word, 1990, p. 167

Fathers Absence

Studies show that the absence of the father expresses itself in male children in two very different ways: it is linked to increased aggressiveness on one hand, and greater manifestations of effeminacy on the other. A 1987 study of violent rapists found that 60 percent of them came from single-parent homes. A Michigan State University study of adolescents who committed homicides found that 75 percent of them were from broken homes. Girls without fathers fare no better. They become sexually active sooner and are more likely to have out-of-wedlock children.

Children at Risk, J. Dobson & G. Bauer, Word, 1990, pp. 167-168

Harvard Study

Armand Nicholi, of Harvard University, found that American parents spend less time with their children than parents in any other country except Great Britain. Even compared with their Russian counterparts, American fathers spend two fewer hours a day interacting with their children.

The Washington Post, July 21, 1993, p. E13.

Like Father, Like God

One of the main reasons people hold false perceptions of God is our tendency to project onto God the unloving characteristics of the people we look up to. We tend to believe that God is going to treat us as other do. The Gaultieres agree: We like to think that we develop our image of God from the Bible and teachings of the church, not from our relationships—some of which have been painful. It’s easier if our God image is simply based on learning and believing the right things. Yet, intensive clinical studies on the development of peoples’ images of God show that it is not so simple. One psychologist found that this spiritual development of the God image is more of an emotional process than an intellectual one. She brings out the importance of family and other relationships to the development of what she calls one’s “private God.” She says that, “No child arrives at the ‘house of God’ without his pet God under his arm.” And for some of us the “pet God” we have tied on a leash to our hearts is not very nice, nor is it biblically accurate. This is because our negative images of God are often rooted in our emotional hurts and destructive patterns of relating to people that we carry with us from our past.

Imagine a little girl of seven who has known only rejection and abuse from her father whom she loves dearly. At Sunday School she is taught that God is her heavenly Father. What is her perception of Him going to be? Based on her experience with her natural father, she will see God as an unstable, rejecting, abusing person she cannot trust.

Consider just a few ways in which your image of your father possibly may have affected your perception of God, which in turn affects your self-image. If you father was distant, impersonal and uncaring, and he wouldn’t intervene for you, you may see God as having the same characteristics. As a result, you feel that you are unworthy of God’s intervention in your life. You find it difficult to draw close to God because you see Him as disinterested in your need and wants.

• If your father was a pushy man who was inconsiderate of you, or who violated and used you, you may see God in the same way. You probably feel cheap or worthless in God’s eyes, and perhaps feel that you deserve to be taken advantage of by others. You may feel that God will force you—not ask you—to do things you don’t want to do.
• If your father was like a drill sergeant, demanding more and more from you with no expression of satisfaction, or burning with anger with no tolerance for mistakes, you may have cast God in his image. You likely feel that God will not accept you unless you meet His demands, which seem unattainable. This perception may have driven you to become a perfectionist.
• If your father was a weakling, and you couldn’t depend on him to help you or defend you, your image of God may be that of a weakling. You may feel that you are unworthy of God’s comfort and support, or that He is unable to help you.
• If your father was overly critical and constantly came down hard on you, or if he didn’t believe in you or your capabilities and discouraged you from trying, you may perceive God in the same way. You don’t feel as if you’re worth God’s respect or trust. You may even see yourself as a continual failure, deserving all the criticism you receive.

In contrast to the negative perceptions many women have about God, let me give you several positive character qualities of a father. Notice how these qualities, if they existed in your father, have positively influenced your perception of God.

• If your father was patient, you are more likely to see God as patient and available for you. You feel that you are worth God’s time and concern. You feel important to God and that He is personally involved in every aspect of your life.
• If your father was kind, you probably see God acting kindly and graciously on your behalf. You feel that you are worth God’s help and intervention. You feel God’s love for you deeply and you’re convinced that He wants to relate to you personally.
• If your father was a giving man, you may perceive God as someone who gives to you and supports you. You feel that you are worth God’s support and encouragement. You believe that God will give you what is best for you, and you respond by giving of yourself to others.
• If your father accepted you, you tend to see God accepting you regardless of what you do. God doesn’t dump on you or reject you when you struggle, but understands and encourages you. You are able to accept yourself even when you blow it or don’t perform up to your potential.
• If your father protected you, you probably perceive God as your protector in life. You feel that you are worthy of being under His care and you rest in His security.

Always Daddy’s Girl by H. Norman Wright, 1989, Regal Books, pp. 193-195

Special Memories

What special memories do you have about your childhood?

1. How did you get along with each of your parents? What were they like?

2. What did you like and dislike about your parents?

3. What were your hurts and disappointments as a child?

4. What were your hobbies and favorite games?

5. How did you usually get into trouble?

6. How did you usually try to get out of trouble?

7. What did you enjoy about school and its activities?

8. What pets did you have? Which were your favorites and why?

9. What did you dream about doing when you were older?

10. Did you like yourself as a child? Why or why not?

11. What were your talents and special abilities?

12. What awards and special achievements did you win?

13. Did you have a nickname?

14. Who were your close friends? Where are they today?

15. What would you do on a hot summer afternoon?

16. Describe the area where you grew up—people, neighborhood, etc.

17. What were you afraid of? Do you have any of those fears today?

18. How did you get along with your brothers and/or sisters?

19. If you had none, which relative were you closest to?

20. Who did you date and for how long? Where did you go on dates?

21. How did you feel when you liked someone and that person didn’t care for you?

22. What was your spiritual life like as a child? As an adolescent?

23. How has being an adult changed your life?

24. How are you different today than you were 20 years ago? Ten years ago?

25. What have been your greatest disappointments? How have you handled them?

26. What have you learned from them that you would want me to learn?

27. If you could live your life over again, what would you do differently?

28. What do you want to be remembered for?

29. How did you meet my mother?

30. What was your first impression of her?

31. What was happening in your lives at the time you met?

32. How did your parents respond to your dating and engagement? How did her parents respond?

33. How did you make the decision to marry? Who proposed and how?

34. What have been the strengths and weaknesses of your marriage?

35. How did you get along with your in-laws at first?

36. How did you feel when my mother was expecting me?

37. What was it like to have children? How did it change your life?

38. What did you like and dislike about being parents?

39. What are your general impressions of me as a person?

40. What are your hopes and dreams for me?

41. What about me has brought you the greatest satisfaction? The greatest disappointment?

42. How have I changed as an adult?

43. How would you like me to grow and develop at this stage of my life?

44. In what way am I most like you? In what way am I least like you?

Always Daddy’s Girl by H. Norman Wright, 1989, Regal Books, pp. 68-70

What Dads Do

One of the best pictures I’ve ever seen on the current confusion of the placement of fathers comes from Erma Bombeck. She paints a portrait of a little girl who loved her dad but wasn’t sure what dads do:

One morning my father didn’t get up and go to work. He went to the hospital and died the next day. I hadn’t thought that much about him before. He was just someone who left and came home and seemed glad to see everyone at night. He opened the jar of pickles when no one else could. He was the only one in the house who wasn’t afraid to go into the basement by himself.

He cut himself shaving, but no one kissed it or got excited about it. It was understood when it rained, he got the car and brought it around to the door. When anyone was sick, he went out to get the prescription filled. He took lots of pictures...but he was never in them.

Whenever I played house, the mother doll had a lot to do. I never knew what to do with the daddy doll, so I had him say, “I’m going off to work now,” and threw him under the bed.

The funeral was in our living room and a lot of people came and brought all kinds of good food and cakes. We had never had so much company before.

I went to my room and felt under the bed for the daddy doll. When I found him, I dusted him off and put him on my bed.

He never did anything. I didn’t know his leaving would hurt so much

Family—The Ties that Bind...and Gag! (New York: Fawcett Books, 1988), p. 2.

Resource

• Dad, The Family Coach by Dave Simmons, Victor Books, 1991, pp. 91-92.
• Swindoll, Growing Strong, p. 232.

.

800 Pacos

There’s a Spanish story of a father and son who had become estranged. The son ran away, and the father set off to find him. He searched for months to no avail. Finally, in a last desperate effort to find him, the father put an ad in a Madrid newspaper. The ad read: “Dear Paco, meet me in front of this newspaper office at noon on Saturday. All is forgiven. I love you. Your Father.”

On Saturday 800 Pacos showed up, looking for forgiveness and love from their fathers.

Bits & Pieces, October 15, 1992, p. 13

Description of a Father

When the good Lord was creating Fathers he started with a tall frame. And a female angel nearby said, “What kind of Father is that? If you’re going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put Fathers up so high? He won’t be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending, or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping.” And God smiled and said, “Yes, but if I make him child-size, who would children have to look up to?”

And when God made a Father’s hands, they were large and sinewy. And the angel shook her head sadly and said, “Do you know what you’re doing? Large hands are clumsy. They can’t manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on pony tails or even remove splinters caused by baseball bats.” And God smiled and said, “I know, but they’re large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day...yet small enough to cup a child’s face in his hands.”

And then God molded long, slim legs and broad shoulders. And the angel nearly had a heart attack. “Boy, this is the end of the week, all right,” she clucked. “Do you realize you just made a Father without a lap? How is he going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?” And God smiled and said, “A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle, and hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus.”

God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had every seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. “That’s not fair. Do you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?” And God smiled and said, “They’ll work. You’ll see. They’ll support a small child who wants to ride a horse to Banbury Cross, or scare off mice at the summer cabin, or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill.”

God worked throughout the night, giving the Father few words, but a firm authoritative voice; eyes that saw everything, but remained calm and tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, he added tears. Then he turned to the angel and said, “Now, are you satisfied that he can love as much as a Mother?”

The angel shuteth up.

- Erma Bombeck

Christian Child Rearing, P. Meier, Baker, 1977, p. 29ff

Baseball Player

Keith Hernandez is one of baseball’s top players. He is a lifetime .300 hitter who has won numerous Golden Glove awards for excellence in fielding. He’s won a batting championship for having the highest average, the Most Valuable Player award in his league, and even the World Series. Yet with all his accomplishments, he has missed out on something crucially important to him—his father’s acceptance and recognition that what he has accomplished is valuable. Listen to what he had to say in a very candid interview about his relationship with his father:

“One day Keith asked his father, ‘Dad, I have a lifetime 300 batting average. What more do you want?’

His father replied, ‘But someday you’re going to look back and say, “I could have done more.”’”

The Gift of Honor, Gary Smalley & John Trent, Ph.D., p. 116

Gold Medalist

Seoul—At his father’s funeral, American Carl Lewis placed his 100-meter gold medal from the 1984 Olympics in his father’s hands. “Don’t worry,” he told his surprised mother. “I’ll get another one.”

A year later, in the 100-meter final at the 1988 games, Lewis was competing against Canadian world-record-holder Ben Johnson. Halfway through the race Johnson was five feet in front. Lewis was convinced he could catch him. But at 80 meters, he was still five feet behind. It’s over, Dad, Lewis thought. As Johnson crossed the finish, he stared back at Lewis and thrust his right arm in the air, index finger extended. Lewis was exasperated. He had noticed Johnson’s bulging muscles and yellow-tinged eyes, both indications of steroid use. “I didn’t have the medal, but I could still give to my father by acting with class and dignity,” Lewis said later. He shook Johnson’s hand and left the track.

But then came the announcement that Johnson had tested positive for anabolic steroids. He was stripped of his medal. The gold went to Lewis, a replacement for the medal he had given his father.

David Wallechinsky in The Complete Book of the Olympics, Reader’s Digest

What are Fathers Made Of?

• A father is a thing that is forced to endure childbirth without an anesthetic.
• A father is a thing that growls when it feels good—and laughs very loud when it’s scared half to death.
• A father never feels entirely worthy of the worship in a child’s eyes. He’s never quite the hero his daughter thinks, never quite the man his son believes him to be—and this worries him, sometimes. So he works too hard to try and smooth the rough places in the road for those of his own who will follow him.
• A father is a thing that gets very angry when the first school grades aren’t as good as he thinks they should be. He scolds his son though he knows it’s the teacher’s fault.
• Fathers are what give daughters away to other men who aren’t nearly good enough so they can have grandchildren who are smarter than anybody’s.
• Fathers make bets with insurance companies about who’ll live the longest. Though they know the odds, they keep right on betting. And one day they lose.

I don’t know where fathers go when they die. But I’ve an idea that after a good rest, wherever it is, he won’t be happy unless there’s work to do. He won’t just sit on a cloud and wait for the girl he’s loved and the children she bore. He’ll be busy there, too, repairing the stairs, oiling the gates, improving the streets, smoothing the way.

- Paul Harvey

Source unknown

Father’s Favorite Sayings

1. The man on the top of the mountain didn’t fall there. - Joe Kosanovic’s Dad

2. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. - Rich Constand’s Dad

3. Marry a big woman; someone to give you shade in the summer and warmth in the winter. - Bill Bodin’s Dad

4. An excuse is a poor patch for the garment of failure. - Bruce Ley’s Dad

5. Never try to catch two frogs with one hand. - Rea Hunt’s Dad

6. Always throw away the box when you take the last piece of candy. - Paul Whalen’s Dad

7. Honesty is like a trail, once you get off it you realize you are lost. - Mark Young’s Dad

8. Remember who you are and where you came from. - Thomas Leone’s Dad

9. Wherever you are in life, first make friends with the cook. - Bill Lewis’s Dad

10. Don’t shake the tree too hard, you never know what might fall out. - Timothy Davis’s Dad

11. A closed mouth gathers no feet. - John Beard, Jr.’s Dad

12. Measure twice, cut once. - Sandra Schultz’s Dad

13. The second time you get kicked in the head by a mule it’s not a learning experience. - Ebb Dozier, Jr.’s Dad

14. Never buy anything that eats. - Neal Bashor’s Dad

15. You need to do what you have to do before you can do what you want to do. - Reed Caster’s Dad

16. Well, you know what happens when you wrestle with pigs, you get all dirty and they love it. - Dennie Morgan’s Dad

17. This is a democratic family; everyone gets a vote and I get five. - Carolee Wende’s Dad

18. I buy you books and buy you books, and all you do is read the covers. - Kelley Blaner’s Dad

19. If you’re afraid to go too far, you will never go far enough. - Kasey Warner’s Dad

20. If you don’t need it, don’t buy it. - Nicholas Pieroni’s Dad

21. Selling is just like shaving, if you don’t do it every day you’re a bum. - Mark Johnson’s Dad

22. If this is the worst thing that happens to you in life, don’t worry about it. - John Taylor’s Dad

23. Never be so broke that you cannot afford to pay attention. - Michael Brose’s Dad

24. You live to work, you work to live, but if you work to work, I hope you don’t live by me. - Cole Thurman’s Dad

25. If it is to be, it’s up to me. - Jeff Wilson’s Dad

26. Successful people make a habit of doing things that failures don’t like to do. - Charles H. Deal, Jr.’s Dad

27. Don’t let your studies interfere with your education. - Eber Smith’s Dad

28. Don’t be foolish just because you know how to. - Maynard Alfstad’s Dad

29. Marry your best friend. - Patrice Altenhofen’s Dad

30. Peer pressure is a crack in the armor of your own conviction. - Peter W. Troy’s Dad

31. Knowing what’s right from wrong is education, doing what’s right is execution. The latter is the hard part. - Bambi Troy’s Dad

32. The difference always is attitude. - Suzie Slater’s Dad

33. You have to eat an elephant in small bites - John Burke’s Dad

34. The one who quits last—wins. - Paul Gesl’s Dad

35. Potential means you haven’t done your best yet. - Melissa and Nicholas West’s Dad

36. Do you know what happened when I found out all the answers? They changed all the questions. - Carmella Leone’s Dad

37. The golden rule: the guy who’s got the gold makes the rules. - Paul Wagner’s Dad

38. If everybody else is doing it, it is probably wrong. - Karl K. Warner’s Dad

From U.S.A. Today, Monday, June 15, p. 11c.

Just Like You

There are little eyes upon you, and they are watching night and day;
There are little ears that quickly take in every word you say;
There are little hands all eager to do everything you do,
And a little boy who’s dreaming of the day he’ll be like you.

You’re the little fellow’s idol, you’re the wisest of the wise,
In his little mind about you, no suspicions ever rise;
He believes in you devoutly, holds that all you say and do,
He will say and do in your way when he’s grown up to be like you.

There’s a wide-eyed little fellow who believes you’re always right,
And his ears are always open and he watches day and night;
You are setting an example every day in all you do,
For the little boy who’s waiting to grow up to be like you.

Source unknown

Critical Father

In his men’s seminar, David Simmons, a former cornerback for the Dallas Cowboys, tells about his childhood home. His father, a military man, was extremely demanding, rarely saying a kind word, always pushing him with harsh criticism to do better. The father had decided that he would never permit his son to feel any satisfaction from his accomplishments, reminding him there were always new goals ahead. When Dave was a little boy, his dad gave him a bicycle, unassembled, with the command that he put it together. After Dave struggled to the point of tears with the difficult instructions and many parts, his father said, “I knew you couldn’t do it.” Then he assembled it for him. When Dave played football in high school, his father was unrelenting in his criticisms. In the backyard of his home, after every game, his dad would go over every play and point out Dave’s errors. “Most boys got butterflies in the stomach before the game; I got them afterwards. Facing my father was more stressful than facing any opposing team.”

By the time he entered college, Dave hated his father and his harsh discipline. He chose to play football at the University of Georgia because its campus was further from home than any school that offered him a scholarship. After college, he became the second round draft pick of the St. Louis Cardinal’s professional football club. Joe Namath (who later signed with the New York Jets), was the club’s first round pick that year. “Excited, “I telephoned my father to tell him the good news. He said, ‘How does it feel to be second?’”

Despite the hateful feelings he had for his father, Dave began to build a bridge to his dad. Christ had come into his life during college years, and it was God’s love that made him turn to his father. During visits home he stimulated conversation with him and listened with interest to what his father had to say. He learned for the first time what his grandfather had been like—a tough lumberjack known for his quick temper. Once he destroyed a pickup truck with a sledgehammer because it wouldn’t start, and he often beat his son. This new awareness affected Dave dramatically. “Knowing about my father’s upbringing not only made me more sympathetic for him, but it helped me see that, under the circumstances, he might have done much worse. By the time he died, I can honestly say we were friends.”

Unfinished Business, Charles Sell, Multnomah, 1989, pp. 171ff

Parents Impact on Religious Beliefs

Research has established that parents can have a significant impact on the religious beliefs and practices of their children. In one recent study it was found that fathers who frequently attend church (over three times per month), discuss religion at home, and are committed to their religion have sons who follow the same pattern concerning religious values and behavior. Interestingly, fathers who did not do these three things had an inconsistent pattern of influence over their son’s religious responses.

Dr. Michael Green, Kindred Spirit, Autumn, 1989, p. 11

Fatherless Homes

The assumption that boys learn to be masculine by following the example of their fathers is a myth, according to Dr. James Turnbull, a psychiatrist at the University of Texas Health Science Center. Fathers in middle-and lower-income families spend only about 25 minutes each week in direct one-to-one relationships with their growing sons. “The images on TV and in advertising showing boys and their fathers playing touch football, fishing and building model aircraft...simply don’t reflect real life,” said Turnbull.

Turnbull’s studies of fatherless homes in middle- to lower-income brackets found the key to personality development was based upon the sons’ relationships with their mothers. “Fathers are certainly important in shaping their son’s behavior, but mothers, peer groups and other adult males usually have more contact with the boys,” he said. “If a father is present, he tends to modify the mother’s influence with comments such as ‘You’re spoiling the boy,’ or ‘Boys don’t play with dolls’ and other reactions to behavior. The father’s treatment of the mother serves as an example for the son of how to interact with members of the opposite sex.”

In fatherless homes, Turnbull said, the mother’s attitude toward men and her degree of protection toward her son seem to be keys to a boy’s development. The most critical times are between the ages of 30 months and 5 years and during early adolescence.

Encounter, Vol 15, #3, February, 1980

Proverbs

• Well-trained is the son who can hang onto his father’s words as well as he can a fly ball (Prov 4:4).
• Happy will be the child who cries because his dad loves him (Prov 10:12)
• A wise father hates sin in order to love his son.
• A good father shows the value of a book as well as a buck.
• The dad who wonders how much of a teacher he needs to be would do
• well to go to the school of Solomon.
• The man who finds a good woman should show his son how to avoid a bad one (Prov. 2,5,6,7,9).
• What a father knows about sex might help his children as much as surprise them (Prov. 23:26-8).
• A wise son makes a glad dad as much as a foolish one makes a glum mum (Prov. 10:1).
• Thank God for fathers who not only gave us life but taught us what to do with it.
• If you’re amazed at how hard your dad can make it for you, try it without him (Prov. 15:5).
• Double whammy; foolish son and contentious mammy (Prov. 19:13).

- M. R. De Haan II

Source unknown

What Father Teaches

• He teaches kindness by being thoughtful and gracious even at home.
• He teaches patience by being gentle and understanding over and over.
• He teaches honesty by keeping his promises to his family even when it costs.
• He teaches courage by living unafraid with faith, in all circumstances.
• He teaches justice by being fair and dealing equally with everyone.
• He teaches obedience to God’s Word by precept and example as he reads and prays daily with his family.
• He teaches love for God and His Church as he takes his family regularly to all the services.
• His steps are important because others follow.

Source unknown

A Dad Is …

• A dad is a mender of toys,
• A leader of boys.
• He’s a changer of fuses,
• A healer of bruises
• He’s a mover of couches,
• A soother of ouches.
• He’s a pounder of nails,
• A teller of tales.
• He’s a dryer of dishes,
• A fulfiller of wishes
• Bless him, O Lord.

- Jo Ann Heidbreder

Source unknown

A Father

His shoulders are a little bent,
His youthful force a trifle spent,
But he’s the finest man I know,
With heart of gold and hair of snow.

He’s seldom cross and never mean;
He’s always been so good and clean;
I only hope I’ll always be
As kind to him as he’s to me.

Sometimes he’s tired and seems forlorn,
His happy face is lined and worn;
Yet he can smile when things are bad:
That’s why I like my gray-haired dad.

He doesn’t ask the world for much—
Just comfort, friendliness, and such;
But from the things I’ve heard him say,
I know it’s up to me to pay.

For all the deeds he’s done for me
Since I sat rocking on his knee;
Oh, not in dollars, dimes, or cents—
That’s not a father’s recompense.

Nor does he worship wealth and fame—
He’d have me honor Jesus’ name.

Source unknown

The Dad Difference

Josh McDowell has been trying to find out what dads are doing in Christian families, and the news isn’t good. In his book The Dad Difference, McDowell reveals that there seems to be a parenting gap. These statistics are from McDowell’s book:

• The average teen in our churches spends only 2 minutes a day in meaningful dialogue with his dad.
• 25% of these teens say they have never had a meaningful conversation with their father—a talk centered on the teens’ interests.

A positive and continuous relationship to one’s father has been found to be associated with a good self-concept, higher self-esteem, higher self-confidence in personal and social interaction, higher moral maturity, reduced rates of unwed teen pregnancy, greater internal control and higher career aspirations. Fathers who are affectionate, nurturing and actively involved in child-rearing are more likely to have well-adjusted children.

Dr. George Rekers, in Homemade, vol. 11, no. 1

Scheduling Time

Take your appointment book to the dinner table tonight. Show each of your family members the unassigned times in your schedule over the next two weeks, and write in their names at the times you agree upon. Try a breakfast out on a Saturday or Sunday, a lunch out during your lunch break, or an hour before dinner on a day you leave work early. Let your child choose how the time will be spent. Purpose: to let your family know they’re at least as important as your business associates.

Source unknown

Paranoia from Dad

We are finding that both men and women get their basic religious style, trusting or paranoid, regardless of creed, from their fathers. And you can guess what the decisive variable is—it’s whether things were pretty good between their parents, whether the father trusted the mother. So a failure in one generation starts a cycle of paranoia down through the generations to come.

Father Andrew Greeley, in Psychology Today, quoted in His, January, 1977

TV Time

James Dobson cited a Cornell University study showing that fathers of preschool children on the average spend 37.7 seconds per day in real contact with their youngsters. In contrast, the study indicated that children watch television approximately 54 hours per week.

Christianity Today, March 23, 1979

An Open Letter to Family Men

She was blond and beautiful, with azure eyes and a tumble of tawny curls. At three years of age, she would climb into her daddy’s lap, snuggle up with a wide, satisfied smile, and purr, “This is my safe place!” And so it was.

Dads, husbands, YOU are the “safe place.” You are our protector and provider. And when you gather us for a time with God, we need a safe place. A safe place, not a lecture. A safe place, not a sermon. A very human dad/husband who simply cares about God and us. We don’t need or even want a “spiritual giant.” We just want you. And we need a gathering time (phone unplugged) where it’s safe to say to each other, “How are you and the Lord getting along?” “How can we pray today?” We need a safe place to cry laugh, sing, rejoice, challenge, share, and sometimes not to share and have it be okay. We need a time with you that’s relaxed—unstiff, when we can pray honestly, in simple sentences, from our hearts. Unfixed. Unrigid. Unroutine. Unshackled. We need a place where irregular opinions are respected, and where God has the last word. We need a gentleman leader, not a general. Gracious. Relaxed. Human. A family shepherd who exhibits not infallible authority, but a thirst for God. Every day? Not necessarily. Often? Yes. Long? No. Where? Anywhere. How? Sense where we’re at, and zero in. We may need heavy-duty confessing to each other and to God...silent prayer...exuberant praise (try sing-a-long tapes)...Bible study. But not every time. Thanks for listening, Dad (Husband). Remember, we need you. Your family.

Written by Linda Anderson, 1989, Our Daily Bread.

Teenage Suicide

The lack of attentiveness to children’s needs by fathers has produced great changes in the American home. Fathers spend an average of only 38 seconds a day being totally attentive and 20 minutes being partially attentive to their children’s needs. Associated with these changes are the rising teen-age suicide rate, which has tripled in the last 20 years, and the increasing incidence of delinquent behavior, which will bring one of nine adolescents in the U.S. into a courtroom this year.

Dr. Seymour Diamond, M.D., in October, 1982, Homemade

Finished the Book, Lost the Boy

A young man was to be sentenced to the penitentiary. The judge had known him from childhood, for he was well acquainted with his father—a famous legal scholar and the author of an exhaustive study entitled, “The Law of Trusts. “Do you remember your father?” asked the magistrate. “I remember him well, your honor,” came the reply. Then trying to probe the offender’s conscience, the judge said, “As you are about to be sentenced and as you think of your wonderful dad, what do you remember most clearly about him?”

There was a pause. Then the judge received an answer he had not expected. “I remember when I went to him for advice. He looked up at me from the book he was writing and said, ‘Run along, boy; I’m busy!’ When I went to him for companionship, he turned me away, saying “Run along, son; this book must be finished!’ Your honor, you remember him as a great lawyer. I remember him as a lost friend.”

The magistrate muttered to himself, “Alas! Finished the book, but lost the boy!”

Homemade, February, 1989

Wasted Day

Charles Francis Adams, the 19th century political figure and diplomat, kept a diary. One day he entered: “Went fishing with my son today—a day wasted.”

His son, Brook Adams, also kept a diary, which is still in existence. On that same day, Brook Adams made this entry: “Went fishing with my father—the most wonderful day of my life!”

The father thought he was wasting his time while fishing with his son, but his son saw it as an investment of time. The only way to tell the difference between wasting and investing is to know one’s ultimate purpose in life and to judge accordingly.

Silas Shotwell, in September, 1987, Homemade

Devil or Santa

Two first graders were overheard as they left Sunday School class, “Do you really believe all that stuff about the devil?”

“No, I think it’s like Santa Claus. It’s really your dad.”

Importance of Dad

One startling bit of research conducted by the Christian Business Men’s Committee found the following: When the father is an active believer, there is about a seventy-five percent likelihood that the children will also become active believers. But if only the mother is a believer, this likelihood is dramatically reduced to fifteen percent.

Keith Meyering, in Discipleship Journal, issue #49, p. 41.

Printer Friendly Version