The anger we hide inside
by HopeWeb editor HOWARD KUHL
I wish that the guy over the road would fix his old green utility truck. It was a week
or two before Christmas when I backed into it, reversing out of our driveway. I
just didn't see him. We finally decided we were both at fault and agreed to share
the cost of repairs (our car was not damaged).
But he hasn't managed to fix it yet and every time I drive past, the ugly dent in the
side reminds me of an incident I would rather forget. No one else in the street
knows and it is a fairly beat-up old vehicle! But I know and the memory hurts. I
wish it was fixed.
Searching my heart, I realise that I have left, and received, a number of such dents
in interpersonal relationships over the years. In fact each one of us, after a while,
starts to resemble that old, battered ute, with its visible history of knocks and
scrapes.
Our words and actions have the potential to damage others, quite unknowingly.
We can even hurt them when our motive was to help! And we, too, are vulnerable
to being 'backed into' and dented by people who may not even realise what they
have done.
Over time these little incidents tend to add up inside until we have a private bank of
angry thoughts and negative reactions. And because we are unable or unwilling to
confront the people involved, we dismiss it and move on ... or so we think.
It is a shock to learn that anger is not biodegradable. It does not break down over
time. Instead, it seeps deeper into our soul and further colors our relationships.
(Psalm 37:8). In extreme cases, it can disable us physically, mentally and
spiritually. I have known it to wreck families and churches.
But we go on parking the ute with the 'good' side to the street and pretend that
things are fine when they are not. God taught me some lessons about life from my
little 'accident' and I'd like to share the steps we went through to fix things.
I can't say much about the anger you already have in store. That's something you
and God must deal with. But we can work together on positive ways to stop
adding to the stockpile!
1. Avoid the quick fix
When I first backed into Jason's truck, he seemed all right about it. 'Forget it, let's
just say I'm a nice guy,' he said. But I made an offer to see him the next day and,
as it turns out, he was a bit upset. His first reaction was to 'forgive and forget' but a
better resolution was required.
When people hurt us, it's easy to roll out scriptures such as Paul in Ephesians 4
about not staying angry all day (v. 26) and being kind, tender-hearted and quick to
forgive (v. 32). But I believe that hurt needs to be fully acknowledged before
healing can happen.
God's forgiveness of our sin through Jesus' death on the cross was a long,
agonising process. But it was a complete solution, not a sticking-plaster measure.
And we must give our forgiveness of others, or vice versa, time to work.
2. Be honest about your part
When Jason came to visit the next day, the body language was interesting. We
stood around at the front door, two guys with arms folded, ready to defend
ourselves from blame for the accident. And for a while that's what we did.
Yet as we talked and came to agreement that, yes, probably, we had both done
the wrong thing, the arms unfolded and we relaxed. He left an hour and a half later
with a warm handshake and a pat on the back!
Nothing kills resentment and anger stone dead like honesty. As James says in his
epistle: 'Say only yes when you mean yes, and no when you mean no.' (James
5:12, GNB). And he goes on in verse 16: 'So then, confess your sins to one
another and pray for one another, so that you will be healed.'
A little boy and his brother visiting our house recently accidentally broke
something. 'Mrs Kuhl,' he said solemnly, 'we did the wrong thing and we are
sorry.' We forgave him! But how I wish we all had that little boy's honesty.
3. Look for a solution
One of the things I admired most about Jason's attitude was his desire to get things
fixed. He didn't come over just looking for confrontation. He wanted to sort it out,
in his words, 'in a good neighbourly way.'
One of the reasons that anger gets a foothold in our souls is that, deep down, we
may not want to see things fixed. This became obvious to me while trying to help
several people in dispute with their local churches over personal hurts, real or
perceived. They preferred to cling to the hurts because it was more comfortable
than finding a solution.
Jesus' teaching on this is very clear: 'So if you are about to offer your gift to God at
the altar and there you remember that your brother has something against you,
leave your gift there in front of the altar, go at once and make peace with your
brother, and then come back and offer your gift to God.' (Matthew 5:23, 24).
4. Work on the relationship
Jason and I had really only nodded in passing before our unfortunate 'meeting'. But
it was amazing how a bond developed through it all. He shared about his work, his
goals and dreams for the future. He is quite an interesting and motivated person!
When we have been hurt or have hurt someone, we need to make a special effort
to restore the relationship so that there is no environment in which resentment or
anger can re-establish. This is a 'mopping up' stage which is most important.
As the writer to the Hebrews warns, 'Guard against turning back from the grace of
God. Let no one become like a bitter plant that grows up and causes many
troubles with its poison.' (Hebrews 12:15).
Jason saw me at the bus stop the other morning and offered me a lift into work. As
we chatted I wondered if we would have ever become more than 'nodding
neighbours' without the collision and the things that followed. In a strange way I am
glad now that it happened.
He stopped at the traffic lights near my work and we wished each other a good
day. As a parting gesture, I leaned against the door handle and said, 'Jason, mate,
we really have to get your ute fixed!'